


What Should Have Been

by RedCoral



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode Related, F/M, M/M, canon compliant up to a point, episode 4x06 What Might Have Been, this is how it should have gone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 15:28:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13790619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedCoral/pseuds/RedCoral
Summary: “I don’t think you love Princess Aslaug either. I think you loved her ability to give you more sons.”“That may be true. I always wanted many sons.”“And Athelstan?”“Athelstan is different,” Ragnar said, his tone clipped and defensive.“How?”When Ragnar asked Lagertha about Kalf's death, maybe that conversation could have gone differently, admissions could have been revealed, truths could have been accepted and trust could have been established.





	What Should Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> This is my first fic for this fandom, so please be kind. I started watching the show because why not, and I ended up with another ship to obsess over even though it has sank itself. But I will still write for it. 
> 
> Anyway, this came in my head today and I had to get it out. I think these characters love each other and everyone knows that even though some don't approve. Maybe Lagertha understands. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't the show or its characters.
> 
> Enjoy!

Ragnar found Lagertha sharpening her axe. He had heard the news and he felt he should say something. He always felt that way around her. He just never seemed to find the right words, or maybe the right words did not exist. So, he sat next to her this time and said, “You’ve never spoken to me about Kalf’s death. Must’ve broke your heart. “

“Of course it didn’t. My heart was broken a long time ago.”

Maybe she was telling the truth. Or maybe she didn’t trust him enough to show him her heart. Either way, he had to ask for reasons he didn’t wish to look into, “Did you not love him?”

She didn’t look at him as she replied. “I don’t think I ever could love anyone. My heart was taken by you and I never got it back. I don’t know how you did though, loved someone else.” Ragnar saw her looking at him out of the corner of her eye as she pretended to be paying attention to her weapon.

“I don’t think I ever did,” he didn’t dare look at her as he admitted such truth. They both knew what she was talking about, who she was referring to and he didn’t want to see regret or anger or pity or even wistfulness for all they could have had but they didn’t because Ragnar wanted it all.

“I don’t think you love Princess Aslaug either.” Either she was unaware of his inner fears or she paid them no mind, but at her answer Ragnar couldn’t help but look at her with a bemused expression on his face. So Lagertha took the chance to explain, “I think you loved her ability to give you more sons.”

“That may be true. I always wanted many sons” Ragnar admitted with a small smile.

She went on sharpening her weapon, but looked at Ragnar closely as she asked, “And Athelstan?”

“Athelstan is different,” Ragnar said, his tone clipped and defensive.

“How?” She gave up on the axe in her hands. It was no use either way. It was as sharp as it was ever going to get already.

Ragnar stayed silent for so long, Lagertha didn’t think he was going to answer. But she was used to such silences from him. She knew from experience that Ragnar sometimes struggled to find the words he needed to say. He was a patient man with few words, but those he spoke meant the world, as did the ones that came next, “What I feel for Athelstan is… more. I don’t think it comes close to any word I know. I loved you. I still do. But when it came to Athelstan the whole world turned grey and I could only see him.” He spoke as if in a trance, as if caught in the webs of a memory he never wanted to escape. But when it released him, reality was not what he wanted it to be, and the woman next to him was not the one he should have confessed all this to. “I'm sorry. I shouldn’t-” Ragnar said as he made to sit up.

Lagertha stopped him with a hand on his arm. “No. It’s okay.” And it was. It had been a long time since Ragnar had let her help him with that weight on his shoulders. It felt good to be trusted by him. It made her feel significant even though their paths met scarcely. “If anyone deserves your heart, it’s Athelstan.” And she meant it. She smirked then, “Definitely not that Princess.”

Ragnar smiled back at her, a small grateful smile, but his expression was amused. “You never liked her, did you?”

Ragnar had been more than honest with her and the least Lagertha could do was return the favour regardless of proprieties. “Didn’t have a reason to.”

“Not even that she made me happy?”

Lagertha looked at him then, calculatingly. “Did she?”

Ragnar took his time to admit it, but they both knew the truth. “No, she did not.”

“But Athelstan did.” She said it for him this time. She felt it was heavily implied and it was time for the truth to be recognized.

Ragnar got that far away look on his face again. “Athelstan made me dream.” As the weight of that admission came to rest between them, so did Athelstan’s absence. It pulled Ragnar to the earth like a rock that fell from the skies and shattered as it reached the surface. He did not let the pain show, though Lagertha was not easily fooled. “But he is gone now.”

“Ragnar-” she tried to say something, anything to make it better, but these were two men worlds apart and she didn’t know how they could ever find each other again.

“No.” Ragnar stopped her with a pained smile. “We will meet again,” he said as he looked away into the distance. “I know it in my heart.”

“You think his Christian God will let you into Heaven?” She knew that was what most warriors lived for, to see their loved ones in Valhalla. But Athelstan did not belong there, he never did. That didn’t seem to matter to Ragnar.

“Heaven or Hell,” he said, “or even Valhalla,” he whispered with a smirk as if it was a secret they only knew, “I will find him.” He looked away again, the far nothing in front of him holding his attention, “I made him a promise and I will keep it.”

* * *

 

 _Wherever you go, I will follow._   

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this was good... or not?   
> This is [my tumblr](http://puddingwillbeouralways.tumblr.com/) if anyone wants to say hi. I won't be rude, I promise!  
> -RC


End file.
